I am tired of writing about pain and suffering, but what other better emotion to make someone want to express it in ways no one might be able to understand the true meaning behind such words. Only I know the meaning behind the words I use to express my pain. The pain I never let anyone see. No one saw my shadows like I did, not because no one is capable of seeing or feeling them the way I do, but because I chose to suffer in silence. It is my choice to suffocate in cries and tears no one ever heard or saw. It was my choice to pretend I’m strong and never let anyone carry my burdens. So I guess they think I have no bags filled with rocks over my shoulders. Rocks in which I decided to keep carrying in secret.
I don’t let anyone go in my mind further enough to see how much vast my mind can be. Is it their fault they don’t see me? No. I make myself be invisible. It is my choice to walk as if I was completely alone. I never once dared to ask for help when I needed most. There were too many reasons to make me think asking for help was not an option for me, not for me, never for me. I had conditioned myself into living my life in suffering, as if I belonged to the dark.
The voice telling me I deserved to live in suffering was not theirs anymore, but my own. How could I let anyone holding pure light within get anywhere near me? No, that is not possible, because I must stay this way, forever in pain, forever blaming myself for existing and forever blaming others for my downfall. As if I had no choice to fight back against everything trying to destroy my soul.
Why should I make any effort to free myself from this if in my own sorrow I feel safer? I chose to live making all my fears become real. By chosing what was known to me I made pain my reality. I expected them to give me suffering before the suffering actually happened. I destroyed everything before anything could break my heart. I just didn’t want to accept I was the only one breaking my own heart. Though no one will ever know this because I am my own cage. My pain they will never see and my pain I will not heal. Because at some point my own fears consumed me. So who am I without my endless suffering? Can I let go of this addicting pain to go find my true self? Am I brave enough to see what I’ve done to myself?
Can I really defy the voice that keeps telling me I’m made of darkness? How long will I continue to agree with these voices? How much longer will I keep feeding them? How much longer will I keep giving them reasons to exist? How can I feel safe in this part of my mind where I’m always getting nothing but pain? How can this be the place I chose to be when there is love available? Why can’t I believe I am made for love? Why can’t I believe in good towards myself and others?
Oh but they don’t know the kinds of dark forests I’ve been journeying on in the depths of my mind. They will never know I was a vessel of so much despair on the inside. For my face was the only thing they could judge. None of them could see through my eyes. They couldn’t see the battles I’ve fought or when the dark forest gave me the coldest shelter when I was lost.
Do I really want to step into the unknown? This opened door leading me to a reality that offers me the risk of having my pain taken away from me. A reality where only love exists. The voices told me if I recreated my own misery no one could hurt me again. I trusted the voices and they do feel right…and so wrong at the same time. Why this door of the unknown keeps calling me then? Why it feels so warm and safe to step into it? Why it reflects back at me a life where I’m choosing to be happy? Why it shows me everything I will lose when I choose to make fear my company? How can it know the truth I’ve tried to hide from myself? How can it know I long to allow myself to love and be loved? The lights coming through this door dare to show me I can repair the bleeding wounds of my heart. How…?
I thought pain was my only ally… I thought it was keeping me safe. It is consuming me. It is… con….suming….. me…… Let…….me go…….. I want out of……….your embrace………… Before it is…………….too…………………late
With every creative writing I try to bring here there is something I’m reflecting on…so the negativity on this post has a purpose. I hope it speaks with what’s inside your heart too.
I’ve been learning that once we find the healing the soul is seeking nothing can ever shatter the heart. When there is love growing within there is true freedom. Our fears can only create a dense fortress around the heart, everything inside of it eventually dies. It is a self destructive defense mechanism and an illusion. Love and fear cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Fear does not allow love to grow. While love will teach you to be free from fear.