In the world of appearances I lost myself. In the world of appearances I found myself. In the world of appearances I write for a loved one. I write to show him my inner world. For a long time I remained silent acting according to the world of appearances. Keeping the depths of my seas only for myself. Because what is crystal clear to me, it is just not to others. But this deep sea within me is longing to be explored and expressed.
A thinker by nature. Confusing thoughts. Clear thoughts. Clear vision. Blurred vision. Questions originated from feelings I can’t find words to explain to a single soul created loneliness in my life. A pain I don’t know where it comes from. A pain to keep me awake in the world of appearances. A pain to keep me searching for meaning in life. A part of me still feels out of place. A part of me still struggles to find meaning in this life. There are times I refuse life when others fight for it. Have I ever had love for life or I just spend most of my time questioning life? Why do I look around and nothing makes sense? What is this place? Why do I keep missing a home if I already have one right now?
Sometimes I disconnect so badly that I lose notion of who I am or what I am doing here. Along with this disconnection comes what I call “the agony”, it starts hurting physically. These moments of disconnection feel so much like the mind, the spirit and the body is glitching altogether. Colliding with each other. Trying to prevent this to happen and ignoring it was all I could do about it. I’ve tried to numb myself to everything. The more numb I was getting the more this thing was breaking me on the inside. This existencial crisis was all I could see. Resisting seemed the only option because the pressure to fit into the world of appearances was the only reality I knew back then. The easiest way out was to convince myself something was wrong with me. I still remember my thoughts from that time “I must have come broken”. A defective marionette. This was when depression, identity crises and existencial crises began to blend into one. Creating so much confusion within me. Creating a broken and wounded version of myself. Losing myself in my own mind and feelings that had no place in this world or inside of me. I was made of sadness, guilt and anger on the inside. In lies I believed, confused and lost I found my place in the dark, to stay and never come out again. Not knowing that finding the true way out was what I was being pushed to do all along. What appeared to be the end of the line was only the beginning.
I was lost between a world I couldn’t understand and feelings that were simply invisible to everyone else. After experiencing for so long things no one talked about, I understood it wouldn’t just go away as I expected. Now I understand this is the path I have chosen for myself, to be between the world of appearances and the world we forget to see. A world that only reveals itself for those who choose to open their eyes. There is a price though. It will make you feel, more than the world of appearances has to offer.
About two years ago I went to a place that could possibly have answers to my questions and the lady who talked to me looked at me and said kindly with a smile “you feel more than you can find ways to explain it right?” she then explained that it is important to stay grounded in this world even if we feel things we can’t explain. She said sensitive people must learn to find the balance to be in between both realities. Because some of us receive downloads of information and can also feel the cries of this world without knowing what is actually happening to them. There will always be a dual aspect to life. But learning how to be conscious in both worlds (especially the material one) is important because we are here to find our way to happiness and love. And we can only do that if we are present. This is what she told me that day and I still think about what she said. She told me to come back again and learn with them. I never went back knowing I needed to find my own way, but feeling grateful for her help. I still haven’t found much clarity about these moments of disconnection and somehow I still resist it. It still gives me side effects even understanding more about it than when I was younger. Something tells me it is a calling coming from the soul…pointing to a direction I’m still afraid to head on. But something also tells me I’m closer that I have ever been to where my soul is taking me.
Music was always there with me during those moments…Especially Evanescence. It was the only thing to give voice to what I felt when confusion and loneliness was suffocating me. Most of their songs spoke to me and helped me to go through with these existencial crisis. Deep down knowing I was not crazy, I was not the only one. “Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe” The messages I heard from this band resonated with every part of me. This band was my spirituality.
I recognize I still need to learn how not to reject the world of appearances entirely, but feeling that there is more than just life the way we know it helped me to see all the lies and illusions of this world I once believed. If it wasn’t for constantly feeling things to make me question life I would probably fall asleep again and close my eyes to live only lies. I don’t need to be lost if I don’t fit into this world and if I can’t be the way I am right here right now then I’m not real. This is the beauty I find in this song.
“Pain is not what you ask for
But it is always what you get
Afraid of the unknown
You repeat all you did before
Fear of losing and mistaken again
Will take everything you have and leave you in pain
Questions and doubts are eating you alive
You want to live, but slowly you die
Just stop for a second and
Feel the light dancing, see the reality
Hear your heart screaming, fool the gravity
Forgiveness is the elixir for the peace of mind
Find and feel each pixel before you become blind
Passion is ingredient for the happy life recipe
Love’s the bridge between imagination and reality
Clear your mind
Clear your mind into crystal clarity
Forget the rules of the dead society
Build your own kingdom in the clouds
Break the laws invented by fake lords“
I don’t really know the real meaning behind this, but the way I interpret it this song is related to everything I write about, here are my thoughts in almost every line.