I keep telling myself that maybe I shouldn’t worry too much if what I write doesn’t make sense. If it serves as a way for me to express what I feel then it is probably working. Though after a period of having so much I wanted to write about, now I might write about not wanting to write. About looking at the screen and not feeling any emotion, any emotion I can turn into words.
Thoughts come and go wherever they please. But none of them stay long enough, they just flow down like the waters of a waterfall. I remain static like the forest around. This forest is foggy because confusion is all over the place, too many thoughts that quickly disappear. How can I write like this? Even if the air in this forest feels dense I still feel calm and serene. Maybe too calm. Shouldn’t I worry? “And for what I may ask?” the forest asked. “You can’t change a single thing, because you are the forest.” the forest said. A part of me wants to stay in control. And control what happens in this forest that is my mind. Where are my thoughts and emotions going? Why are they streaming on that direction? Why leaves are falling down where they need to fall? Wouldn’t be easier if I just let the other part of me be in charge and rest my mind? And maybe simply do nothing. Let everything take its course. Breathe as one with the forest. Let my consciousness be everywhere, just feeling all the sounds, all the movements, and all living things. Because as the forest I don’t need to speak, just observe. Things don’t need to make sense, they just are. The part of me that wants control only creates more fogginess. If apathy wants to take place this moment, it will do so as I observe it pass by.
Will I keep feeling like going in circles when I’m writing? Yes, for now I will. Because I am a forest, I accept my weather and its variations. If the winds blow my leaves to a certain way that is where I am going then. If it rains then it is cleansing what needs to be cleansed. If the birds sing then alive I am to provide them shelter. For now I will let my forest speak for me, if you want to hear my thoughts sit by the waterfall and listen the heart of the forest speaking to you. It knows better than a fearful mind. Close your eyes with the forest and listen…listen. “Can you feel it?” The forest asked.
Nida 𝔅. 🖤