Looking Within

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Instead of letting darkness feel comfortable or embracing the dark, what if we become the light in the darkness so we can see our path ahead of us clearly? So we can see ourselves and find what needs our attention. I think the act of looking within itself can do wonders for us. The way I see this state of turning your attention to what lies in your heart, looks exactly like the picture above. Self awareness acts as a shining a light to what feels troubled and muddy inside. It repels the shadows feeding off our energy. It repels what is clouding our minds and blocking us from seeing all the love around us. No one in this world can do this for us, unfortunately, so we must be our own light. We have within all the resources to be at peace.

Something that really helped me to do this as an exercise, was drawing my mind. If writing or talking couldn’t make things clearer I would draw my inner state. My therapist asked me to switch my focus from the outwards to turn my focus inwards. My first experience began when she gave me three sheets of paper and three questions for each one.

The first was: When you think of yourself without any of the struggles you have lived, without any kind of external interference, how do you see yourself? What would that image be like in the present moment?

The second was: When you think of yourself around others, how do you think they see you? What do you think they see on you?

The third was: If you could be anything you want, without any kind of fear, what image would represent what you want to be for others and yourself?

Of course these question were related to a topic I couldn’t seem to find clarity just by talking about it, I was struggling to find words and to think. So she suggested this as a way to unlock what my mind was trying to figure out and comprehend. Sometimes our logical mind doesn’t really reflect exactly what truly is going on the inside and it can possibly stand in the way. This exercise can be done when we feel stuck about something.

This was the first drawing I did thinking about how I saw myself. I was surprised because the idea was to make a quick drawing without overthinking about it and this is was the result. At first I didn’t think I would be able to draw a single thing, but this was surprisingly the easiest of all. When I drew this one, for a brief moment everything around just faded away and it was just me and my drawing. She asked me then to explain it, but this was the only one I couldn’t really explain. It was more like a feeling. I just knew it represented me in essence and all these symbols refer to love to me. So I guess a saw Love…

This was a bit more interesting than the first….Again she asked me to explain it. I had to think for a second because I was also surprised that intuitively I drew exactly how I felt like. I felt that for others I probably seemed like a person who is very confused. A person who seems lost, a person who doesn’t know to express her true self. Words are like spirals they don’t seem to make sense to others. And the other aspect is that I felt that people saw me as something that needs to be grounded like a tree, always offering stability even if I myself seemed confused and lost. I felt that I needed to always be standing still in their eyes. No matter how bad or good my inner state was. In reality, this actually served to show me how I was perceiving myself from the lens of other people. It was my own perception only though, even if at some point someone made me feel this way or not. I was choosing to use this lens to see myself, which is not a good thing. But a major progress done, because it was visible now.

The third was the most difficult to figure out. After I looked at it for a while, I explained to her that I wanted to be what could protect. As if I could be a bubble myself and embrace those around me. Or like a shield and offer protection. To find my inner balance so I could become a shelter for myself and others. Somehow this also showed my fear of the world. The need to become a shield also showed I was feeling insecure on the inside. Some experiences in my life helped to build parts of my personality and this is the representation of one of them. The need to create safety because at some point in my life I didn’t feel safe and also saw others not being protected against harm. This probably shaped me to constantly not feel safe. So bingo! a possible hidden wound found that needed my attention to be healed.

This is what I meant about collecting information about ourselves when looking within. Some hurts are so well hidden, but they are still there sending signals through emotions and the reactions we have to certain situations that recreat the same pattern of that experience that once caused them to be inside of us. I had no clue how to heal the things this exercise showed me, but what matters is that at that moment I was able to at least know about them so I could reflect on it. Seeing clearly is already a huge progress. Healing can also happen naturally once we find our wounds and their roots if we only allow ourselves to go with flow.

There is a character from the series of this game called Diablo and she is truly inspiring. I think it is related to the message I try to pass on. There is a passage where Auriel, the Archangel of Hope, says this:

“Hold on to Hope: it will not abandon you. The Eternal Conflict continues between the forces of Good and Evil. Evil will triumph over those who give into Despair, but Despair cannot defeat the power of Hope! Hope is the voice that will never be silent. Hope is the spring that fills the wells of courage. Hope is the light in the darkness. And in the darkness, I will be that light!”

— Auriel’s Trailer

Bia. ❤

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