This post is the one that holds my most important message. It is for those who seek a meaning in this life. For those ready for a transformation. For those who are lost. For those who were destined to wake up and found a messed up world. For those who miss the stars.
We see a lot about self love on the internet. Positive messages that seem to be far of reach…
I used to hear about this thing called self love since I was young. My mom gave me a book designed for girls to help me with self steem. It was a beautiful book. And I loved it, but something about it was unsettling. I just couldn’t understand the real meaning. It would make me frustrated and get me to spend hours thinking about it. What it means to love myself? How do I love myself? The words were there and yeah, they did make sense, but why can’t I feel anything when I read this?
Well now I have a new perspective. And I don’t think self love is something so simple, considering how we learn to live our lives. The way I see things now makes me think we have to consider some factors to start our way towards self love. For example the book I read. It had a lot of positive messages, and yes it is nice, but it does very little for someone who has so many layers why they can’t seem to reach love for themselves. It’s there, right under our nose, but why can’t we see it? It’s a very delicate topic because the path for self love is so particular to each person’s experience. Our first steps as humans hold precious information about us. Our childhood. It is where everything started right. A lot of the things we do when we grow up have some kind of link to what we experienced when we were little. And that is where we can find a lot of answers about ourselves. Our inner child lives in us despite of our age.
In my opinion there is no set way for the journey to truly embrance who we are. Some bits of information can help us. But based on my experience I think this is the kind of trail we have to make ourselves, to find the destination only our mind, spirit and body knows. A destination that we have already been to. And as we grew up we left that place and simply forgot how to go back. We have to first learn how to listen to ourselves. Our intuition will serve as a compass. We have to first find the tools to help us make our way to our known destination. And the more you go deeper into the forest you will find things along the way that you may have forgotten about yourself. They will help to remind you about your true essence in case you may have lost it.
I see it as a process of self deconstruction to build something authentic. We remove what doesn’t belong to us to make room for what we lost along the way.
I wish to share my experience to illustrate this. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sound clear, but I’ll try.
When I first tried to love who I was I saw myself trying to force it. From the outside to the inside. Trying to find the will to like myself. Trying to like myself still thinking from the outside. I was “looking in the mirror” and trying to find in me a pattern of things I saw on others. My mind was focused on everything that didn’t represent my true nature. There was a serious notion in my mind of what was acceptable and what was not. Due to experiences I had in school. What was the ideal and what was not. I represented what was not ideal. So I thought the only way to like myself was if I turned myself into the “ideal”. I then began to reject and not accept myself thinking I was doing the right thing. In all aspects. I had failed to find some love for myself here. I think I was around twelve.
Years later after that, a strong connection with someone I love brought me back to the same stage I was on the example above. A soul who showed me more of myself than I could imagine. There was one important aspects I wasn’t considering before. Who was I? After my life fell apart there was nothing left. Not even the false self. When my depression brought me down to my knees I also received the chance for a rebirth. I spent almost two years isolated to heal. No external energies to mess with my own energy. No acting as a mirror to others. No taking care of other people’s pains or problems. No trying to be another person. There was pretty much just me with myself. No external interference. I was able to pull my true self back under no pressure of trying to please anyone. There were no rules to follow in order to be accepted anymore, but my own.
I was discovering things about me all over again, in a whole new way. Things I liked. Things I didn’t like. The way I want to speak. The way I like to walk. The way I like to gesture. The way I prefer to communicate. The way I think and see things. I began a process to build my own personality all over again and recovering some of the things I had thrown away.
The next step was to embrace all of these things I was discovering and recovering. I was constantly aware of myself and trying to get used to this new “skin” of mine. Trying to make it fit perfectly the way I wanted. To feel comfortable wearing my own skin. Enough to be able to sustain my personality once I got back to face the material world again. Even if some things still made me insecure. The process of self acceptance helped a bunch during tho phase. My challenge was to sustain who I wanted to be even if things made me insecure. For this reason I decided to challenge myself to be exactly what I feared to be. To be my insecurities and everything I had been ridiculed before. That I wouldn’t spend any more of my energy to be what I was not.
I was starting to get used to being myself. Whether that meant to be quiet, shy, silly, smiling, playful, caring, grumpy, dreamy…. I was allowing myself. If I didn’t want something I would say it. If I wanted something I would allow myself to have it. If I wanted to stand up for myself I would also allow it. These were the things I would hardly do for myself. I would hardly take care of myself in all situations. I was permissive and submissive in a really toxic way. I was learning to balance myself. To care about myself first without turning into a blind selfish person. I could still take into consideration everyone else’s feelings but honor my own as well.
I was learning to provide resources for myself as well. Direct the love and care I held in me, desperately wanting to give it away, for myself too. Healing my inner child was incredibly important because now the voices who told me I didn’t deserve love didn’t stop me from providing love for my own. Those voices were gone. I didn’t need to keep punishing myself or to deny anything that was positive. I then became the voice who calms and encourages myself. Like the voice of a mother who cares for her children. The voice of an angel who is a warrior. This voice wouldn’t let the voices of depression regain its place again. It was a constant battle. Light and shadow. It was something I had to keep putting in practice. Because my depression comes in cycles.
The more I kept doing all of this I saw I was making progress. Keeping my mind clear and continue the process of acceptance. The process of allowing. Balancing my energy. Being my own guardian. Being my own compassion goddess. Being my own love. I noticed that positive thoughts about myself were starting to come to my mind naturally like it never happened before. They came soothingly and humbly. It was now coming from the inside and not the outside. The voice of my soul was now speaking to me and not depression or anything else.
I felt fully integrated. Mind. Spirit. Body. One.
It is a process. Something to keep building. Our soul is looking to evolve and that’s what we have to keep doing. Self love is not someting static. It has many shapes and forms. Our human condition will keep on testing us and tormenting the calm waters of our intuition, so we need to always be aware and have a clear mind to maintain ourselves on the path of self love. Love for all things. Unconditional Love. Love to set us free from the illusions and set of beliefs that are keeping us from being happy.
Love will guide you home. Your home is your soul. This human experience is teaching you to find your way back to your soul.