The recent experience I am about to share was crucial for integrating all the missing parts of my identity. To find a part of me that went hiding after I decided to reject myself. I was a bit unsure about sharing this. Because I had no idea we could actually access parts of our subconscious mind. Not everyone believes in this.
Well, it all started when some of my insecurities wouldn’t stop haunting me. Something was triggering my deepest fears. Something was triggering the ghosts of my past. My mind was getting louder and louder. This was bothering me so much that I decided to face it instead of trying to forget about it. I grabbed my journal and I wrote down everything I was feeling afraid of. Everything my youger self saw in the past.
Lies. Cold people. Aggressiveness. Hatred. Psychological attacks. Manipulation. Physical attacks. Humiliation. Ignored. Enjoyment on seeing suffering. Blaming. Shaming. Eyes judging. Ridiculed. Rejection.
These were some of my deepest fears as a child and as a teenager…
As I was writing them I could feel that I was still afraid of these things as if my past was in my present. The more I accessed my fears I felt like I was living them all over again. I already knew from therapy that if the memories of a certain situation or experience affect you, it’s because the source is still alive and unresolved. It means it is still an open wound. Knowing this I then decided to meditate.
I picked a random meditation audio on youtube and concentrated. After a couple minutes I began to see images without me actually imagining them. I allowed them to flow. Maybe because of the audio the first image I saw was a completely dark void, with dried leaves on the ground. My present self stayed on this place for a couple minutes. Then as if the image I was seeing zoomed out, I saw my present self falling. The image was similar to the picture above, it wasn’t an ocean though, it was still a black screen, but my present self fell as if it was drowning to the deep waters of an ocean. Slowly sinking deeper. It lasted a couple minutes till I saw my present self reaching what seemed to be the bottom of that place. The interesting thing about this is that I was my present self in the vision and also seeing the vision as a third person view. The vision would switch between the two from time to time.
Once I got to the bottom, it looked like a rounded cave, like a pit. It was a really dark cave. My present self stayed a while in this cave trying to adjust its vision to be able to see the place clearly. So I sat down. My present self was feeling calm.
After waiting a little bit, I started hearing a cry. A low and muffled crying. I then looked to the direction it was coming from. It was coming from the opposite side of where I was sitting. I see the trunk of a dead tree and its roots as if it was growing out the walls of the cave pit. There was a hole on it, big enough for a child to fit in. And there she was. A little girl was hiding inside of it. She was curled up and had her hands over her ears, crying.
I noticed it was me. She was agonizing and feeling anguish. The voices in her mind were too loud. She wanted them to stop. That’s when I looked around the room and saw the fears were in there with us. They had the form of ghosts for some reason. Laughing and mocking loudly. She was hiding from them.
I sat down again to observe the situation. Calmly staring at the ghosts of my past and fears. Surprisingly they were not affecting my present self. I looked at them and I felt nothing but sorry for them. On that moment they had no power over me. Nothing they said made me lose my composure. They slowly began to disappear. One by one.
The child calmed down. I went to sit on the opposite end of the cave again to give her space to come out. It took some tim, but she finally left her hiding place. We were now looking at each other. This is the moment where she showed me something, no words were needed.
She looked up and a light shone from the top of the pit. She then looked down to the middle and there was some sort of projection of an image of two little birds. They were playing with each other. Singing, hopping and flying around each other. I looked back to her and she was so serene watching the little birds. She was showing me her heart’s true wish. Suddenly the birds became ashes. So she looked back at me and showed me why she kept those ghosts near. To remind her what they could to do to her if she chose to believe that love to all things was possible again.
It ends here the first part of this “vision”. I went back to visit this place after a couple months I think. And this place is now healed. It is the place I go whenever the world gets too dark. I like to call it the inner sanctuary. I wanted this place to represent what makes me feel safe and the things I love. By creating the most beautiful place for my inner child.
I know this all probably sounds crazy, but this is the way I found to heal my wounds. Replacing the dark moments with magic.
She is me and I am her, forever. We are one now. The fears do not control us anymore.
For some reason every time I listen to this audio my mind takes me to the deepest places of my subconscious. The roots to the things that troubles my heart. It makes me dive deep.