The Happy Clown Was Not Always Happy as it Seemed

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Smiles are not always a sign of true happiness on the inside…

Depression is a topic I will probably keep writing about on here. And reflect on it the best I can. Simply because it was part of my life ever since I was little. I’ve been trying to understand every single aspect of it. The positive aspects and also the negative aspects and why they exist.

But what I want to touch on this post is how learning to hide my depression at a young age caused me more damage than I could ever imagine.

At first I had no idea what was happening to me or why I kept feeling things that were causing me emotional pain. I think my first thoughts were confusion… “shouldn’t I be happy like the others of my age”, “I’m not okay, but what is not okay?”, “why it hurts and where it hurts?”. It did feel like the child who couldn’t see colors, or taste…Something was wrong I just didn’t know what it was. So the mechanism I found to cope with it was to try my best to brush it off, like I used to do when I would stumble down and hurt my hands and knees “it’s nothing, it’s okay”.

This constant cycle of trying to hide my feelings and emotions from myself and from others became an addiction almost. The more I hid it the more my depression was becoming attached to me and the more it got present the more I had to spend all my energy trying to hide it from others. I was in constant fatigue and always feeling tired. I didn’t realize at the time that hiding my overwhelming melancholy was the option that only made me replace my true self for my depression and all my fears instead.

Masks. I wore many masks to hide myself during the years I’ve done this to myself. No one knew the real me. I didn’t know the real me. I didn’t want to see the real me anymore. “She won’t be loved by others” this was the unconscious thought behind everything. This narrative in my head started when I experienced rejection when I was still little and after that I chose to embrace what the external world was showing me and began to reject my own self with my own mind without even realizing it. I was acting like the dragon against my true self. The negative aspect of the dragon I mentioned on the last post.

This happened for years, till the day my depression was living my life for me and I could no longer control it or hide it. So I think around my 21 years old I was forced by my family to start a treatment and had to look within to heal. For the first time I had to undo and let go of a coping mechanism I had been doing pretty much all my life so I could bring my mind back to clarity.

So in my healing experience, the first step I took towards healing was to look within and not hide myself behind fake smiles and masks that didn’t belong to me. A step to the unknown. To face the fear of showing my true face and see what happens… Challenge myself to not be afraid of not being loved…not be afraid of facing rejection once again for showing who I really am. To become my own protective Dragon honoring my true Identity without any kind of external validation.

To be everything I never had the courage to be for being driven by the fear of rejection.

On the next post I plan on talking a little about what I did to find my true self and how I found where she was hiding all those years.

Because to embark on the path of self-love it is extremely important to first find who you truly are.

I hope this helps. Believe in good.

Bia.

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