Ever since I can remember I had struggled to communicate my thoughts and to speak my mind. It is like my thoughts are all a bunch of codes and symbols quite hard to translate into words. And whenever I needed to put them into words my whole system would end up on a bluescreen of death. So my words were never the exact translation to my thoughts and feelings.
Feeling that I wasn’t able to express myself and end up making others understand the exact opposite of what my true intentions were made everything worse. I was too young to have any kind of understanding. Anger and frustration started to build up over time and definitely made me even more reclusive. This would happen a lot when dealing with family and friends in particular. My voice wasn’t enough. My words were never enough because I didn’t know how to show them what I was going through and at the time they couldn’t conceive the idea their daugther or friend was unhappy and lost mentally.
So I think this was the reason why I turned to journaling without knowing I was actually journaling or doing something that can be so helpful. My parents were like nomads, we moved places a lot and every place we lived in I remember having that one place in the house where I could be completely alone and just write and let my mind drift away in my own thoughts. Even if nothing made sense. Even if I didn’t know how to write anything good. I wasn’t too concerned about that. I just wanted to find some relief by putting those thoughts out somehow. Music and journaling helped to bring some ease to that selfish feeling of “why no one understands me”.
And it is also through writing that I have been working on healing my wounds. The first thing I had to understand was that me and my depression were not actually one. My depression and anxiety were not necessarily me. And I’m saying this because some of us tend to lose ourselves to depression. I had to completely detach myself from it. How does my own true voice sound like and how does the voice of depression and ego sound like? What thoughts were truly mine and what thoughts were originated from trauma?
The first question I wrote down was: Who am I? followed by a couple other questions: What do I idealize if I think about myself acting and being myself? How do I see myself right now?
So I wrote down everything that came to my mind. Everything. With no exceptions. Good or bad. Absolutely everything, even if it would hurt me or make me think about the past because this is what you want. To find the most traumatic situations (or the ones that created that false notion about myself), that we may hide deep inside our hearts in order to survive. Once I found the root to everything negative on the list I began to work on each one of them along with my therapist and talk about them.
It was like unlocking the Pandora’s box that we all carry within ourselves, so please, only do this if you’re emotionally stable to access deep wounds or with a professional, which was my case. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without help at the time because of how vulnerable to depression I was. This was like a hardcore healing process though, but only because I’m talking about my entire healing process, not just about trying to find my true self. Finding my true self through questions and reflection wasn’t the biggest challenge. The challenge was realizing that depression was fighting back, a part of me was still clinging to it. It wanted to stay in the dark. Because the darkness was the only home I knew at the time. Depression kept trying to convince me that it was ”safer” in the dark.
Finding my true self through questions helped me to unveil a depression I couldn’t see and the more it got exposed to me, the easier it got to think clearly. Without looking through the distorted lens of some of the events that created trauma. This lead to internal dialogues with this so called depression or I how I like to think: a dark version of myself. A corrupted, stained and poisoned version of myself. I wasn’t putting up with her shit anymore and wanted to free myself from her. So as weird as it sounds I was almost living an internal battle against myself.
I digress a little, but the message I want to pass on is: Question and confront the false notions about ourselves. The illusions society or traumatic experiences force us to believe into. They are not real.
Start a journal and ask yourself. Who are you? Reflect and contemplate yourself. No judging. Remember to be kind to yourself. How do you see yourself? Let your thoughts flow and guide you to the source.
I’ll try to leave a song on each post that has some kind of link to the message I’m trying to convey. Enjoy!